Finn Stuff

Howdy All

Finn will be at the Native Rose this Friday, was moved from the 30th due to previous commitments. We kick off at 8pm, a great little gig, but leave the car home as the craft beers are just too good to resist. They have one for every taste.

Shady Pines Saloon Sunday, great Sydney gig.

Raby on Saturday night with Dearne.

Finny’s orphans Xmas If you are interested drop me a reply and I will send the address.

A quick couple of what about that’s

What About That 2657

It seems the Mercedes and BMW have taken indicators of their cars…no one was using them. I pulled up next to a BM the other day, driver was dawdling along and then just pulled over, I pulled up next to him and politely told him his indicators don’t seem to be working, he looked like he wanted to tell me to Eff off, and then looked at his wife and another look at me and decided to be nice, hahah!

What About That 2658

Sydney roads are a mess, seems that just about every road in Sydney has major work going on somewhere, 12 k’s per hour average day time speed, and thy wonder why driver break the limits when they can! Travelled from Bathurst to home Sunday, hit the M4 slowway at Emu plains 80 k’s until after Eastern Creek. Not a worker in sight. NSW govt. absolutely no planning whatsoever. Complete Boof heads all of them.

What About That 2659

Ms Moore has decided to reopen the cross. What a dick, it will take five years to get back even close to what it was. I suppose all her mates now own it, that’s why she’s lifted the ban. Greedy Stupid individuals

Jam Stuff

Musos Club jams website at:- http://jim0408.wixsite.com/musosclubjamnite

Wednesday on guitar Christina Crofts and Keith Todd back in the hot seat on the 29th.

Don’t forget if you all bring a friend….(you do have them I hope), our numbers double. Sign on 7.30 pm both venues

The gags.

#1

Leroy, a slender African-American, and Charlie, a burly mix of French-Canadian and Irish, are pipefitters. They’ve been work buddies in New York’s high rise projects for years.

One morning, Leroy is hanging out in the office waiting to clock in, and Charlie comes in with a big grin. “Hey, Smiley! What’ you so happy about?” he asks. “Well, if you must know, my wife and I made love last night." "My wife don’t give me none, even on the weekend. How you get her to put out for you on a school night?" "So you’re looking for sex advice from ME, my melatonin enriched friend?" "I can owe you one. How you do it?" Charlie lowers his voice to a whisper and says "The secret, my friend, is poetry" "Poetry? What you mean?" "Well, last night for example. I took my wife in my arms and looked her in the eyes and said: My lovely wife with eyes like a dove, Come with me to bed And I’ll make to you sweet love. And she melted and the rest is history." Leroy thinks for a second and says "I’m gonna try that.”

The next day, Leroy is late. When he finally does step off the construction elevator, he is a mess. One eye is swollen shut, his face is scratched, his lip is split open, and he walks with the of bow-legged limp of a man who'sbeen recently kicked hard in the nuts. Charlie sees him, and runs over with concern. “Hey Bro, what happened to you?" "My wife, she don’t like poetry." "Well, what happened?" "Last night, we was watching the game, and the hootchie-kootchie girls come out and start shaking their booty. So after a few minutes I start getting horny, and I remembers what you told me and I slide my arm around her and I says: Brillo head, Brillo head, Eyes like a frog, Get you’ fat ass to bed, So’s I can fuck you like a dog. And man, she hit me! I ain’t tellin’ her no more poetry.”

#2

Not for everyone

I met a 14 year old girl on the Internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, aginger haired kid, with two friends?

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said “morning." He replied, "No, just having a crap.”

Disabled toilets:

Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in. I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s up Mate, won’t it start?”

#3

A woman visits her gynaecologist for a check-up. “Madam, you have the largest vagina I have ever seen.” Says the doctor. Intrigued, she goes home to examine it for herself. She takes the full-length mirror off the wall and places it on the floor, strips naked, and stands over it. Just then her husband walks in and finds her naked. “What on earth are you doing?” He asks. “I’m exercising.” She says, thinking quickly. “Okay, then, just be careful not to fall through that hole in the floor.”

lady went to her doctor to have her vagina checked because her husband had said that it was unusually large. The doctor puts her in the stirrups and gets in there to look around. After a bit he says “Your husband was right, that’s the largest vagina I’ve ever seen. That’s the largest vagina I’ve ever seen." She says "You didn’t have to say it twice. The doc says "I didn’t”.

Sorry ladies blokes turn next week, promise, but in the meantime THIS!

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. ‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, 'but I want more.’ So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with the Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex.. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

#5

Bruce, Robbo and his missus were playing poker one evening. Bruce accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Robbo’s wife Sheila’s map of Tassie as she wasn’t wearing any undies under her dress! Shocked by this, Bruce upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Bruce went to the kitchen to get more beer. Robbo’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by the boldness, Bruce courageously admitted that, well indeedhe did. She said, ” Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500,“ After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Bruce confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Robbo works Friday arvos and Bruce doesn’t, Bruce should be at her house around 2:00p.m. When Friday rolled around, Bruce showed up at Robbo’s house at 2p.m. sharp and after paying Sheila the agreed sum of$500 they went to the bedroom and had a root and Bruce paid as agreed. Bruce quickly dressed and left. As usual, Robbo came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked Sheila abruptly. "Did Bruce 

come by the house this afternoon? Sheila answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.” Her heart nearly skipped a beat whenher husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?” In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500,” Robbo, with asatisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, Good on him, I washoping he did. Bruce came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.“ Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!!

#6

Obituary    

for Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.        

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn’t always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a class mate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.  It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason .  

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I’m a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

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Twang and Bang. Website coming soon. Good rates,  make the call,  get a quote. Two engineers and producers available. Live recording  (kit and amps supplied). A large choice of mics to suit everyone.

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ONWARDS AND UPWARDS

THE GREATER THE INPUT,

THE GREATER THE OUTPUT.

FREEDOM AIN’T FREE

COMMON SENSE AIN’T COMMON.